Relationship Distress

About a third of the clients coming in to our company, come because of some form of distress in their primary relationship.  For those of us who do marital therapy, couples form a significant part of our caseloads.  They typically present in two ways - either one partner comes in first (either to ‘feel out’ the therapist or because he or she had thought that it didn’t need to be a couple’s session) or they come together.  It is not uncommon for one to be “dragged” in. 

In my experience, I would estimate that about 60% of couples come in to counselling at some crisis point.  Either there has been something that has entered in to the relationship (an affair, an explosive argument), or one partner has come to the point that they are talking about leaving the relationship.  The remaining 40% come because of chronic problems that are creating distress; there may or may not have been talk about the relationship ending.  These are often phrased as “we don’t communicate” although this encompasses many chronic problems such as destructive arguments, emotional distance, or mistrust. 

If I were asked to describe the ‘typical’ couple in crisis, I would be hard put to do so.  I really see couples in all stages – from those who are trying to work out patterns at the dating stage, to couples married for 40 years.  And there is no real difference in who is successful in changing their relationship – again, I see successes and failures at all different stages.  So, what makes the difference?

First, I would suggest that those couples that come in earlier rather than later do better.  When the “D-word” (divorce) as been seriously used, then it is harder to turn things around.  I think one of the reasons why this is true is that couples do better if they can pull on positive memories; the more recent those are, the better.

The other critical differentiator (in my mind) is whether or not both parties are willing and able to look at their side of the dysfunctional patterns.  I firmly believe that in MOST cases, it really does take ‘two to tango.’  Sometimes, the role of one partner is to accept his or her own responsibility in the condition of the marriage, and the other partner’s is to forgive and move on (if they can).   Unfortunately, a lot of couples come in with one partner feeling that all the distress is the fault of their partner or with one who has given up already and no longer wants to try and change.  

The type of issue brought forward also makes a difference.  Infidelity is a difficult thing for any couple to deal with; although some are able to move past it, it is never easy.  Addiction is also a hard issue, often because there is a real difference between partners in the definition of addiction or the amount being consumed.   Thankfully, I don’t see a lot of physical violence, but this is also one of those issues where it is not clear if the relationship can (or indeed should) be preserved.  

Other than those potential “deal breakers” how do most couples present?  I see a lot of the following:

• Bickering – this is where everything needs to be corrected. 
• Judging – “you should or shouldn’t be this way.”
• Defensiveness – “no I didn’t.”
• Deflection – “what about what you do?” or “you do it too.”
• Generalization – “you always or never do that.”

The kinds of issues that are really common include repeating arguments about chores/helping around the house, time spent at home (especially during golfing season), and of course, money.  Disagreements around family members – either kids or extended family – are also really common.  These come up a lot when the couple is dealing with ‘steps and ex’s’ from previous relationships.  Sometimes, we need to address other issues at play in relationship distress.  Substance abuse or other addictions, depression, personality issues, past history, etc., may need to be addressed separately, in order to set the stage for relationship work.

Like any area of psychology, there are a lot of different approaches to couples work.  In my practice, I use a combination of emotion-focused work and very practical cognitive-behavioural.  I will often give homework assignments and make reading suggestions.  I find that this practical approach will often get both parties focused on making positive changes in the relationship. 

It is always my preference to work with both parties – if one can’t make a session, I don’t meet with the other. That being said, there are times in a session that I will speak with each party separately.  It is also my policy (and that of many psychologists) not to work with a couple where I have worked with one of the individuals.  This is because it can be hard to remain impartial when you have an existing relationship, but it can also be hard to be perceived to be impartial. The partner you have not been working with will often feel that he or she is not getting a fair shake.  Finally, it can be difficult for your existing client to adjust to a new relationship with you where you are giving his or her partner equal time and weight. 

I am always supportive of couples doing whatever they can to improve their relationship prior to coming in to therapy.  Sometimes there are relatively easy adjustments to make, like spending more time together, or getting a specific issue ironed out.  Sometimes, doing some exercises or reading together can help to give new perspective.  However, if you have tried and nothing seems to be changing, I would suggest that about two months should be the outside limit on not coming in to work with someone. 

Once a couple begins therapy, I often ask them to consider a commitment of several months, at the minimum, to the effort of change.  It can be very stressful to feel that everything needs to be changed immediately or else – not exactly the ideal situation to bring out the best in someone.  It is also true that change takes time, and it often takes a while to determine if the change is sustainable. 

Marriage counseling: Working through relationship problems